I’ve been needing a new vest, but I am quite fond of the vest I’d been wearing for years. I bought it on Main Street at the 75th Sturgis and it has some special meaning for me. But I’d gone and got healthy and the vest that fit me when I weighed over 100 pounds more no longer does. On a recent bike trip to Oklahoma for Legacy over Labor Day weekend, the vest would blow back and act a bit like a parachute with holes in it, or it would slide around to one side and become a wind drag, neither of which I cared for very much. 

I’d been discussing a new vest for a while and made plans with some of my chosen family to go check out Leather & Hawgs in Soldier, Iowa. We went this past Sunday (9-17-23). I wasn’t looking forward to this as vest sizing is weird, even amongst the same brand so I really had no idea where to start. I don’t care for trying on shoes or clothing of any kind, I find it a pain in my ass, but didn’t see a way around it. So I took a guess when we got there. I used to wear 3X shirts, but my vest was a 5X. You always want room to move and for putting a hoodie or leather jacket underneath for cold weather riding so you just keep trying them on, one after the other, until you find the one that checks all the boxes. 

Depending on brand, I wear either L or XL shirts now so I grabbed a 2XL vest to try on. It was, shall we say, rather voluminous on me. I grabbed an XL and tried it on. Better, but before I could do much, the lady behind the counter came over and said, “That’s way too big on you.”

This is where I tell you I don’t really know how to size clothes for myself. I’ve been bigger for so long I have no real concept of what works or doesn’t. I’ve always just gone with “If it covers my skin, it must fit.”

She asked me what size the vest was and I told her XL. She said to grab a Small. I said “There’s no way in hell that will fit.” She said “Just try and see, we can always go up.”

So I tried it on. And it fit.

My mind tilted a bit, but the lady started messing with the leather strings for the sides and I got busy paying attention to that. We had a conversation about which patches I need moved and the cost of moving said patches. She got me a hoodie from the other room to put on underneath. I put it on and things still fit great. Side note: I didn’t need it, but I should have bought that hoodie. 

If you don’t know, you can’t let people walk off with your Patch. No one but another Patch can hold it, so when Patches are moved, we stay with them. I followed them into the back room where they got to work removing the patches from my old vest, ripping stitches, pulling threads, scraping off old glue, etc…and started marking locations on what now must be called my “new vest.” And it was here that I had both vests in front of me and I could see the size tags on both: 

I must have stared for 30 seconds. There was activity going on around me, conversation happening, Rebel standing off to my right talking about her new vest with the sewing lady…and I just sat there for a few moments, admittedly up in my feels. I’ve worked so damn hard to do the things I’ve done this year. And I am thrilled with my progress… but it’s not often I get such a drastic reminder of where I was and where I am. I wasn’t ready for it.

A few days later and I am still making this work in my brain. I tell myself I’m the same biker I was before, the same person, the same guy I was before, even though it seems very much like I am not at times. I still have problems with spatial awareness; of where I expect my body to be and the space it takes up compared to the reality of what it does take up now. It’s a continuing mindfuck that I have struggled with, but am getting better at. But I am the same man who loves my family, works a job I enjoy, does a lot of the same shit, will still go off on a 5 minute joking tangent on “frozen spiky cumcicle treats” (don’t ask) because I find it funny.

So yeah, I’m me, I’m the same guy. I’m a just guy with a much smaller vest.