Logan spends a lot of his time yanking on my beard. I had to shave down a while back so all that is really there right now is my goat. I figured with the unplanned shaving, he’d have less to grab, but instead it just gave him a small, narrow field to focus on. When he grabs on, it can be painful, but sometimes if I pull my head back he will relent and let go.

But other times…not so much. He’ll squeeze in with such a vice-lock grip that I’ve wondered several times if our boy hasn’t been blessed with super strength. And he loves to do this when I’m feeding him, so one arm is occupied holding him and one is occupied holding the bottle. I don’t want to interrupt his meal, so usually I just put up with it if he won’t let go.

Our daycare was closed yesterday so I was working from home and taking care of Logan. He needed to be fed a bit before noon. I got his formula ready, made sure I had a spit-up rag ready, put a pillow on the chair to make life easier on my arm/shoulder, and sat down to feed my boy. We were about halfway through the bottle when he stopped eating and began to grunt. You know the one, the “I’m about to fill my diaper” grunt.

Here is where I should point out that Logan has been battling some colic and our pediatrician had us to switch to a different formula. It’s corn-syrup based, which I wasn’t thrilled about, but more importantly, the proteins are already partially broken down which makes it easier on the baby. I have to admit it has made a huge difference for Logan. Colic is still around, but it is nowhere near as bad as it was. The downside is that this formula makes his diapers smell absolutely wretched. It’s like nuclear fallout meets sulfur meets rancid vegetables.

So…he begins grunting. And it’s quick. Two grunts and he’s done. And the smell begins to waft upwards towards my face and I went to move my head up and away while setting the bottle down so I could get up and go take care of his diaper. I wanted to get my nose as far away from this as I could.

But as I began to move my head, Logan reached up and grabbed a fistful of goat, locking me into place. This is bad enough, but then he began to pull down and my head went even closer. I had no choice. If someone grabs you by the beard or your pubes and begin to pull in a direction, you will go with them by default.

So now I’m closer to the diaper than I really want to be. And he keeps pulling and pulling and I get closer and closer. I brought my free hand up and tried to get him to let go, but I couldn’t really see what I was doing. I got him to let go with a few fingers, but they latched back on as soon as I moved to the other ones. So I just stood up and started walking down the hall, head hunched over to go change his diaper. My eyes were watering from the smell and I opened my mouth to say something, realizing too late this was a tactical mistake. The smell was thick and now it was in my eyes, nose, and mouth.

I moved my ass the final few feet down the hall, into the nursery, and set my boy on the changing table, head still hunched over and far too close. As soon as he felt the changing table pad he let go and I was able to stand up straight.

And then I got to work, thinking, not for the first time, that my boy is trolling me with actions like this.

But I still don’t care, I love the little dude.